


secrets in the desert

by waveydnp



Category: Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Sáenz
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Introspection, Kissing, M/M, Post-Book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-30 04:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20440229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: I wished we could stay here forever. What was there to be afraid of when it was just me and Dante?





	secrets in the desert

We spent a lot of time in my truck that summer, or what was left of the summer, anyway. We went out to the desert most nights just so we could be alone. And watch the stars with no light pollution. Sometimes Dante brought his telescope and sometimes he didn’t.

One time we brought beers. We’d never gotten drunk together, and Dante really wanted to. He wanted to know if it would be as much fun as getting high. I told him running around naked in the rain had probably helped make it more fun, and this day the sky was clear. The heat was intense. He said it didn’t have to rain for us to get naked.

It made me feel embarrassed. Embarrassed because of how much I liked it. That Dante, he just had a way of saying things without stopping to think if they were things he should actually say. If he wanted to say it, he just did.

Maybe I wished I could be more like that. I sometimes hated myself for all the things I kept inside my head because I was embarrassed or just… my father’s son, I guess. I sometimes wondered how much sooner I could have held Dante’s hand and kissed him if I could just say things that made me feel embarrassed instead of letting them burn holes inside my brain.

I thought the beers might help with that. Maybe Dante did too.

He had Legs in his lap as I drove. The windows were open and my hair was blowing in my face. The desert in the summer is a really unforgiving place. But it looked really beautiful from inside my truck.

And Dante was beautiful. I still wasn’t used to his short hair. It made him look older, less like a boy and more like a man. That kind of scared me a bit.

He felt more like a man, ever since he came back from the hospital. He was harder. Not a lot, but enough. Enough for me to notice. I think it made me feel sad. And angry, of course. It made me wish I could have broken more noses and punched more guys. I didn’t tell Dante that. I knew he wouldn’t have liked it, but I had a secret well of rage inside me still for the guys who hurt him. I wasn’t sure that well would ever go away.

Sometimes I had dreams about it. I didn’t dream about running Dante over in the rain anymore, now I dreamed about Dante kissing Daniel in an alley. I dreamed about Daniel running away and leaving Dante all alone to face the ugliness of those boys’ hatred. The dream always turned strange before it got to the part where Dante got hurt. He’d turn into a bird and fly away and I always woke up crying because I wished it was real. I wished Dante never had to know what it felt like to get kicked when he was down.

“What are you thinking about, Ari?”

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Well it is.”

“You’re always thinking, Ari. I know you.”

“Well maybe I’m thinking about nothing.”

“Do you want to know what I’m thinking about?”

“Yes.”

“I’m thinking about running around naked in the rain with you.”

I shook my head. “You think about that too much.”

“Well, can you blame me?”

I looked at him. He was smiling a big Dante smile, the one I really loved.

“Do you ever think about me naked, Ari?”

Yeah, Dante never seemed to be embarrassed about any of the weird questions he asked me. I wondered if I’d ever get used to that.

“You ask weird questions, Dante.”

“And you never answer them, Ari. Even in letters, you never answered them.”

When we got to my spot, the sun was starting to set. It was really really beautiful. We let Legs out to run around and stretch her legs and we got in the bed of the truck and I opened a beer and handed it to Dante.

“You did this a lot while I was gone, didn’t you, Ari?”

“Not a lot. Only once in the desert, with Gina and Susie.”

“Did you kiss them?”

“No.”

“Did you want to?”

“No.”

“But you kissed a different girl.”

“Yes, Dante. I kissed a different girl.” I took a sip of my beer. I hoped he wouldn’t ask any more questions, but he did. Of course he did.

“What was her name again?”

“Ileana.”

“Was she pretty?”

“Yes.”

“Did you like kissing her, Ari?”

“Yes. I think so.”

“I didn’t care much for kissing girls.”

“I know, Dante.”

“Of course you know. Because I told you. I tell you everything.”

He seemed annoyed and I didn’t want him to be annoyed. I wanted to get drunk with him in the desert and watch the sun set and lie in my truck and hold his hands and kiss him. I wanted to be the person he made me feel like.

“Do you think I don’t tell you things, Dante?”

“Sometimes I think that.”

“Do you wish I’d tell you more things?”

He looked at me. “I wish you wanted to tell me more things.”

“I do.”

He drank his beer. We watched the sun set. Legs jumped into the bed with us and lay on my legs. It made me laugh, Legs on my legs. I patted her head and Dante patted her head and then he took my hand and held it. I liked it so much. I think I was right about discovering the secrets of the universe in someone’s hand. Dante had these really great hands. They were bigger than mine, but softer. I liked the way it looked when he put his fingers between mine and it was like weaving light and dark together.

Only, I didn’t feel like dark that night. My skin was the only dark thing about me. I drank another beer and I felt so mellow and happy. I laid down in the bed of the truck on top of the blanket my mother had given me when I told her we’d be spending the night. She told me she’d sell the truck if I drank a single sip of alcohol but I couldn’t always be a good boy. Sometimes I had to be bad, even though I knew she just wanted to make sure I was safe.

I wasn’t going to drive again until the morning when I wasn’t drunk anymore, so I didn’t think I was really being that bad. And anyway, I was almost seventeen. I couldn’t stay a boy forever. Men got to make their own rules, didn’t they?

“Ari, do you think I’ll be a good older brother?”

“Yes. I think you’ll be the best big brother in the universe.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“Well I am.”

“How do you know?”

I shrugged. “Because you’re the best person in the universe. It’s a logical conclusion.”

He laughed. “That’s bull, Ari.”

“It’s not, Dante. That kid is going to have the best life. I can’t wait to meet her.”

“Him,” Dante corrected me. “It’s going to be a boy.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I told you, it has to be a boy.”

“Your parents love you, Dante. They’re not ashamed.”

Dante shrugged.

“Are you?” I asked. I don’t know why I asked that. I didn’t know if I even wanted him to answer. “Are you ashamed?”

“No, Ari. Not right now.”

“Were you ever?”

“Yes. I think so.”

“You never acted like you were,” I said.

“Maybe you’re not the only one who can hide themselves. I get sad too, Ari.”

“I don’t want you to be sad. I hate it when you’re sad.”

He turned his head on the blanket and looked at me and I could barely see him except for the thin light reflecting off the moon that glowed on his face. He looked like an angel. “I hate it when you’re sad too, Ari. And you’re always sad.”

“I’m not. I’m not sad right now.”

“Because you’re drunk.”

“Because I’m with you,” I said. It felt scary to say it. I wasn’t used to letting myself say the things I felt about Dante. I wasn’t even used to letting myself think them.

“You were ashamed,” Dante said quietly.

I didn’t know what to say, because he was right, and I was ashamed. And I was ashamed of being ashamed. I was ashamed that I was still sometimes afraid when I thought about the guys at school finding out, or my aunts and uncles, or Gina and Susie. I didn’t want to be afraid, but sometimes I was, and those feelings both lived inside me. Loving Dante and feeling afraid of loving Dante.

“I love you, Dante,” I said quietly. “I’m not ashamed about that.”

I’d never said it like that before.

“I love you, Ari. I always have.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“I know.”

“You’ve always loved me too,” Dante said. “You just didn’t know it.”

“Yes.”

He finished his beer and I opened him another one. I wondered if he was drunk, because I couldn’t exactly tell. Legs kept licking my fingers. Maybe they were salty from sweating so much earlier.

“You’re going to be a better big brother than mine was,” I said.

“Do you remember him?”

“Not much. I think I remember that I loved him. But I know he chose to do something that took him away from me forever, and you won’t do that to your brother.”

“He did a really bad thing,” Dante said. He sounded sad, and I couldn’t blame him. It made me sad to think about what Bernardo did, too.

“Yeah,” I said. I squeezed his hand, because I think it hurt him almost as much as it hurt me. “He did.”

“He would hate me if he met me, Ari. He’d want to kill me too.”

I shook my head, because I didn’t want to believe that could be true. Because if he hated Dante, he’d hate me too. And I didn’t think I could live with that. “That was so long ago. He could be a different person now.”

“Do you still love him, Ari?”

“I don’t know. Hell, I just don’t know.”

“I think it’s okay if you do. Even though he did a really bad thing.”

“You do?”

He nodded. “Families are supposed to love each other no matter what.”

“Yeah, I guess they are. Maybe that’s why my parents pretended for so long that he just didn’t exist. Maybe it was easier than loving someone who did something so terrible.”

“Your parents must be really sad.”

“My mom put his picture up in the living room. I think they’re ready to love him again.”

“Are you?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I’ve been thinking about writing to him.”

“What would you say?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’d just tell him about myself.”

“Would you tell him about me, Ari?”

“Yes.”

“Would you tell him that I kiss boys? And that you kiss boys?”

“I don’t kiss boys. I kiss you.”

“Would you tell him that, Ari?”

“You ask too many questions.”

“And you give too few answers.”

I sighed, and looked up at the stars. “If I had more answers, Dante, I would give them to you. I’d give them all to you.”

“Do you wish I asked fewer questions?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted.

“Maybe you should drink a few more beers.”

“Why?”

He smiled at me. “Because I want to ask you more questions and I want you to answer them.”

“What questions?” I asked.

“Questions that will embarrass you.”

“Why do you have to ask embarrassing questions all the time?”

“Maybe they’re not embarrassing questions, maybe you just get embarrassed too easily.”

I frowned at him. “Yeah, maybe.”

I drank another beer. It felt good. My head felt heavy and there was a tingling under my skin. Everything felt kind of slowed down, and I rolled over onto my side and looked at Dante’s beautiful face and kissed him. He kissed me back. I didn’t think I’d ever get over how nice it felt that he always wanted to kiss me back.

We kissed for a long time. I could feel his tongue against mine. It made me feel hot, even though nighttime in the desert can be cold. It made me feel things that I wasn’t used to feeling, and yeah, okay, it embarrassed me a little. I wanted to know if Dante was feeling like that too, but how could I ask that? It wouldn’t be a very Ari question.

Eventually he pulled back a little and looked at me. “Do you want to get naked and run around?”

That made me laugh. That made me laugh a whole lot. I guess I was drunk. I guess I was really happy because it was just me and Dante and Legs in the middle of the desert in my truck under a whole universe of stars twinkling in the night sky. It was so many of the things I really loved about my life all at once.

“Ari, can I ask you an embarrassing question now?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Why the hell not?”

“You never answered me when I wrote you about masturbating.”

“No.”

“Because you were embarrassed, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you still?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because… I don’t know.”

“Is it because you think about boys when you do it?”

I laughed. I really was drunk. I’d have to be, to be laughing instead of clamming the hell up. “I don’t do it. I just take cold showers.”

He frowned at me. “You never masturbate?”

“Stop saying masturbate,” I told him.

“What should I say, Ari?”

“Maybe you just shouldn’t talk about it.”

“I think about you when I do it, Ari.”

I closed my eyes.

“I think about that night we ran around naked in the rain. I think about your body.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I whispered.

“Because I’m Dante,” he said. “I tell you things, because you’re Ari and I’m Dante.”

I laughed. “Yeah. That’s us, Ari and Dante.”

“Tell me you think about me, Ari.”

“I do,” I said. “All the time. Too much, probably.”

“I don’t think there’s any such thing as too much,” Dante said. “Isn’t that what love is?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been in love.”

“Yeah. I should ask my dad,” he said. “Or you should ask your mom.”

“I don’t want to love like our parents love,” I told him. “I want to love like us.”

He smiled. “Wow, Ari. That was beautiful.”

“You are, Dante.” Okay, yeah, so I was definitely drunk, but I opened another beer anyway.

“Do you think about me naked?” he asked. “Do you think about my body?”

“Yes.”

“You do?” He looked surprised, like he didn’t actually expect me to answer like that.

“Yes, Dante. I do. I think about your body and then I have a cold shower.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“Is it because you’re ashamed?”

I looked at him. “You’re analyzing me.”

“Well, yeah. I can’t help it.”

“I’m not ashamed,” I said. “Just maybe I’m a little afraid.”

“Of masturbating?”

I laughed. “You love that word, don’t you?”

“I love doing it, Ari, that’s all. It feels really good.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s why people do it.”

“You should do it,” he said. “You deserve to feel good. I want that for you.”

“It’s weird though, isn’t it?” I asked. “It’s like sex.”

“Yeah.”

“Like having sex with yourself. It’s weird.”

“I don’t think it’s so weird,” Dante argued. “You’d rather have sex with someone else?”

I didn’t know how to answer that.

“Do you want to have sex, Ari?”

“Yeah, I’d like to have sex, Dante.”

“With me?”

I was drunk, but I still felt afraid of that question. “Do you?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“With me?”

“Yes, Ari. With you. Everything with you.”

“It doesn’t scare you?”

He shrugged. “I can be brave.”

That made me smile. He wasn’t wrong about that. Dante Quintana was possibly the bravest person I’d ever known. “Yeah, you can.”

“You can be too, Ari. I’ve seen you be so brave.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You saved my life, Ari.”

“Hey, that’s against the rules.”

“I hate rules,” he said.

“I know.”

I finished my beer and then lay back down. Legs licked my face and I let her for a minute before I pushed her away. I reached out for Dante’s hand again and held it. Dante’s hands, they were my own personal secret. I wished I never had to let go of that boy’s hands.

“What are you thinking about, Ari?” His voice was soft and low in the quiet of the desert at night.

“I’m thinking about you,” I said. “And birds. And rain.”

“Do you want to know what I’m thinking?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I’m thinking about those things, too. And that day. The hail, and then the rain. And how you saved me. I already loved you before that, and then after, I was afraid because you were so angry. I thought you hated me.”

“I did,” I said. “In a way. I think I just loved you, but I didn’t want to let myself know it, so instead I just felt angry.”

“Are you drunk, Ari?”

“Yes.”

“I can tell.”

“Are you?” I asked.

“Yeah, I am.”

We were quiet for a while, and he rolled on top of me. My heart was beating so fast, and he laid down on my body and kissed me and it felt different than any of the other times we kissed. I put my hands under his shirt and the skin on his back was so warm and soft. He made a noise against my mouth that made me feel like I needed a cold shower, but we were in the desert in my truck in the middle of the night. I couldn’t take a shower, I could only keep kissing Dante.

I could tell he liked it just as much as I did. I could _feel_ it. I didn’t know what to think about how much I liked what I could feel. I wondered if he could feel me too. I wondered if I’d ever be able to feel anything like this anywhere but out here in the middle of nowhere, where no one could ever find us.

I wished we could stay here forever. What was there to be afraid of when it was just me and Dante? No one could ever touch us here. We could feel whatever we wanted.

“Next time I touch myself, Ari, this is what I’m going to think about.”

I didn’t answer him. I didn’t want the kissing to stop. I didn’t want him to stop moving against me like he was, rocking himself against my body over and over and over. It felt amazing, like nothing ever had before.

I looked up at the universe and when I closed my eyes, I could still see stars. I could feel them in my heart, and it was Dante who gave them to me. I wondered if he could feel my stars, too.

Afterwards, we lay on our backs and I held his hand and Legs fell asleep at my feet. I was tired, but I hoped I’d never fall asleep.

“I love this, Ari,” he said, and I could tell he was going to fall asleep soon. He sounded like a boy again, like the boy I met at the pool last summer who told me in a squeaky voice that he could teach me how to swim.

He taught me how to swim, and so much more. I lifted his hand and kissed his knuckles and he sighed in a way that sounded happy, and I think he really was. We both were. Happy and free.

That night, we weren’t boys or men or anything in between. That night, Me and Dante, we belonged to the sky.


End file.
